Search
  • Brittany Bluhm

On December 31st I realized I had not blogged in 2019. That seemed like a major fail. So, I quickly wrote about something I had wanted to share- but I needed to pick up my sushi order so I cut the blog short and left. That was the first part- and now here is part two.

Obviously, this all happen to me last year- But I wanted to share with you because I feel like this was a changing point of how I viewed God and how I viewed life.

For months I had been hanging on tightly. Scared to fully let go and let God do what He wants.

I sometimes think I know what’s best for me- especially when I’m going through something painful because I can find an easy fix and then I’ll be okay for a few weeks. (and by easy fix. I think we all have something we use to fill our pain when we have some unhealthy patterns in life. Mine is PEOPLE.)

I knew God was asking me to be completely surrendered… asking for a new depth of intimacy but I couldn’t give it because I was so scared of what that would look like and during this time I was really questioning if I could trust God.

On July 13, 2019 I wrote in my journal:

“I’m so confused and I would like to blame being a Millennial…you know, because we have 4 part time jobs and no idea what we want. But its deeper than that. There are things that God wants to do in me. He is waiting for me to say yes. The funny thing is, I think I’m so good at saying yes to God- but then right after I say “yes” I have a list of things He can’t touch or do in my life. (red flag alert of control issues)

I feel at a complete loss. I have no idea what’s next for me and nothing is appealing. I’m in pain- the emotional pain that you can feel physically. Its loneliness and it hurts. I’m 30 years old and single. Not even an interest in a guy. I feel like I’ll be single the rest of my life.

I know the time should be now and God is pursing after my heart. He is asking for all of me. To get lost in Him…. but I can’t do it. Why?

Today is an okay day- on the bad days all I can see is what I don’t have or what’s been taken away and I don’t want to get out of bed.

Is this going to be my life forever?

No, not if I surrender- and trust. Trusting God would mean that I would have to give up control and say YES without telling God how it was going to be.

My concerns: what if I marry some weird guy and he isn’t what I really want?

What if God gives me what I don’t want?

I know what I want- to be pursued and to feel loved by the man I’ve been praying for my whole life. (If he is out there). To get married and be a wife. To be the only girl he fully sees. I want to be a mom. That’s what I’ve always wanted.

God knows what I need and He is a good God- So, either you trust Him or you don’t. “

*****************************************************************

Now that YOU ALL have an entry of my journal and see my thought process- We can move onto a few weeks later and you can forget I’m a crazy person. Just kidding. never forget that.

It was the beginning of August I had the opportunity to lead worship for Sunday service. I had called Mike Tucci (because he was preaching that Sunday and I needed to pick songs out) he said “I’m preaching on obedience… and I’ll talk about surrender. so, any song along those lines.”

I remember hanging up the phone and thinking I cannot lead worship with songs about surrender when I can’t even live that out in my own life.

To say that least, it was a rough week…And I wanted to back out- also knowing I needed to surrender but NOT WANTING TO. You who have been there know that struggle. DUMB FLESH…

Anyway.


I had a friend say to me “you get up on the stage and sing because of who God is. Sing that truth over your life and learn to believe it. Breakthrough will come.”

I’m so glad I got up on that stage and sang because breakthrough did come a few days after leading worship. I was wreck that day and thought I was going to have a complete breakdown. I knew that something needed to change in my life.

I went into my bed room and just started to pray…

“You are near the broken hearted…”

“You are my strength and my joy. “

“Come into my mess. Change me…”

“You are TRUSTWORTHY.”

I opened my bible to Philippians 3

and read verses 17-21.

Our citizenship is in Heaven.

Brothers, join in imitating me, and keep your eyes on those who walk according to the example you have in us. 18 For many, of whom I have often told you and now tell you even with tears, walk as enemies of the cross of Christ. 19 Their end is destruction, their god is their belly, and they glory in their shame, with minds set on earthly things. 20 But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, 21 who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.”

I was completely convicted

My citizenship is in heaven.

MY CITIZENSHIP IS IN HEAVEN.

The life I live is to bring glory to God-

To further His Kingdom.

It’s not about me.

And my end game isn’t here.

For months I had been miserable trying to ease my pain of loneliness by relationships and hanging out with people none stop. I would look to people to FILL ME UP rather God. I acted like singleness was a disease and that I was never going to get what I wanted.

But in that moment. I was undone.

My selfish thoughts faded- and I was faced with the question:

If I remain alone for the rest of my life…will I still serve Him? Is HE ENOUGH FOR ME?

I cried out “YES.”

And I began to surrender the things I was carrying for so long.

And let Him have control of my future.

And just like that- I felt a weight lifted and joy filled my heart.

The time of singleness was such a delicate time. I couldn’t be focused on myself because it wasn't about me.


It's never about us. It’s about Him using us to further His Kingdom.

Maybe you’re in this same situation.

Maybe you’re not single or lonely.

Maybe you have 5 kids and have no time.

I don’t know where you are-

All I know is that It doesn’t matter what situation you are in-

It’s all about HIM. Make it about Him.

And I promise…Things will change.

  • Brittany Bluhm

Updated: Mar 12, 2020

One time I had a goal to blog once a week annnnnd look how that went...I LITERALLY haven't blogged in a year!...But, I thought getting in ONE blog for 2019 would be nice for myself and the one other person who reads my blog (hi mom!) Of course today was the LAST possible day to do that(PROCRASTINATION at its finest.)


Anyway, Lets jump right into it. Last year, on this EXACT day, December 31, 2018... I sat at my kitchen table SOBBING my eyes out

(the ugly cry) and asked God "When can I just be okay? And when can the pain stop?..why do I always have to be growing or becoming healthy?!" .... The last 3.5 years thats all I feel I have been doing...allowing healing to take place in my life and choosing to be healthy in all areas..HEART, SOUL, MIND & BODY (we will talk about this later on in 2021 by the rate that I'm going)


I honestly didn't think 2019 would be anything special because the first 3 days of the 2019 I cried all day (and night)I was heartbroken (or so I thought) and felt FORGOTTEN by God.



I had a list of expectations and things I felt that needed to be done in my life. Things that God needed to do now..(or not do) I would pray for these things- and say that I was willing to do anything He asked of me...But I was quick to tell Him the things He couldn't touch in my life.

small example: "God, I will wait patiently for the man you have for me.. But He can't be (____FILL IN THE BLANK___) and don't have him (____FILL IN THE BLANK____)and please don't let him be weird. also, let him be rich."


>> here is the deal.. I knew what I needed to do. deep down there was the tugging of what needed to be surrendered in my life and the silly part is- I was so scared to let go of control of my future to the one WHO KNOWS MY FUTURE.(but really its not silly.. its real. surrender is hard.)


For the next 7 months (of 2019) I was MISERABLE..and it probably wasn't so obvious (because I didn't cry everyday in front of people) but there was an underlying sadness and I felt so alone. No one knew what I was feeling because I used people to cope. I constantly needed to be with people and when I was with people- it distracted me from the pain. If I wasn't with someone- I would keep myself busy with some project that I probably procrastinated on.



It wasn't until AUGUST that the way that I had been feeling changed. (I'm not going to share this part of the story with you yet because I'm running out of time now.)


BUT, I had to come to a place OF COMPLETE SURRENDER.


AND THEN....EVERYTHING changed. Not my CIRCUMSTANCE but the way I viewed EVERYTHING. The way I viewed Myself, The way I viewed God, the way I viewed my PURPOSE and the way I viewed the people in my life.



The months August-December have became my favorites// LITERALLY the last 5 months of 2019 have equalled out to be the best months of my life...



SO all of this to say.. Let go of expectation of 2020 and TRUST God. He knows you. HE HAS YOU. You're NOT FORGOTTEN.


-> I promise to write PART TWO sometime soon...and I will go more in depth with certain things..But for now, I must go pick up my sushi and eat it alone:) HAPPY NEW YEARS, FRIENDS.










  • Brittany Bluhm



When I was in 2nd grade we were out in the baseball field for recess playing kickball and there were animal tracks in the sand. Some of the kids started talking about what animal they thought it was and me being a trappers daughter said "I bet it's a badger..and those can kill you." (I was always terrified of being attacked by a badger in my back yard so I thought it was necessary to warn others.) I almost had people convinced it was a badger until the older kids (this includes my brother who was in 5th grade and also had the father for a trapper) said " that's not a badger...its a dog." ....I know, why would he do that? I was so upset he went against me...of course an argument broke out and we went back and forth trying to convince people to take our side. There was LITERALLY A LINE DRAWN in the sand...and it divided the elementary classes and all the ones who thought it was a badger went on one side and everyone who thought it was a dog went on the other. (It was basically the younger siblings against the older siblings) Yes, there was name calling and all I remember after that was sitting in the principal's office. (and that wasn't my last time being in the principals office.)


Fast forward 20 years and this time its not a silly debate about animal tracks in the sand.. but a serious issue within the church involving HUMANS and an invisible line was drawn and it divided a body of believers.


{ I know, I know. My elementary story took a serious turn and now we are all sweating and wondering what the heck happen. (I'm sweating too!) }


Loyalty was a characteristic I always thought I needed to have. It was talked about a lot and often praised to carry loyalty for those in leadership. So, I was always loyal (TO A FAULT) to those "I served" under...I'm sure you can think of a few positions in our government, military, jobs, relationships, marriage..etc that would apply as a good thing to be loyal. Yes, I agree....but if its not in a healthy setting- LOYALTY is dangerous.



Over a year ago someone (whom I had admired and always looked up to) had written my parents a letter and explained how they have always loved my family and loved each of us kids and then at the end there was the BUT….. "But, my loyalty is with (__fill in the blank because I'm not about to name people__) I have to stand next to them and support them."



To stand next to people who couldn't give grace where grace needed to be given? to love where love should of been PRESENT all along? The thing is.. I wasn't shocked by that because 3 years ago I would of I stood next to the same people because of loyalty. I let people walk away hurting and broken- needing to be shown the LOVE of GOD...But because loyalty was the main thing I didn't do anything about it. I operated out of the fear of rejection by those in "authority" and let my loyalty be to my leaders or certain people rather than to God.


*before you read the next paragraph.. Please know I'm not against the Church. I work in a church.. and love my church. I'm not talking about all churches*


When did love become conditional within the Church? Why are some Christians the worst ones to show LOVE? If you asked the world the first thing that comes to their mind when they think of a christian...I'm sure its not "loving" ...and thats SO SAD. It's completely opposite of what the Bible teaches. How many times do you see Jesus turn away from the broken, sick & hurting people? NEVER. He aways had compassion.


I sometimes think about if my story would have been in Jesus' day... it probably would of been really similar to John 8:1-11 ---> you know the story of the woman that is caught in adultery and the people want her to be stoned... and Jesus says " He who is without sin cast the first stone" and everyone drops the stones and walks away because they are sinners too... YES! THAT'S JESUS. That's how He treats people. I always cry about it because I know now how He has loved me through my mess and never turned away from me.


.....and even if I was 100% GUILTY of all that had happened in my situation...Where was the love? Where was the grace? I honestly can't tell you.. but I can tell you where the loyalty is.


I had friends that I had known my whole life never even ask me what happen and they cut me out of their life completely. People that had been friends with my parents 30+ years would ignore them if they saw them in public because they were my..... parents? ( and LOVED me)



and I'm not telling you this to feel bad for my family or I....because God has placed us in an amazing community and is definitely restoring SO MUCH in our lives! I'm sharing this because it is an issue (I hear about it so often and I am so sorry to those who have experienced this hurt.) I pray that I NEVER find myself taking a side of a situation and treating others like an outcast and I'm sure you can think of situations you have experienced where LOVE was absent because something else was in its place.



I know a person who is coming to the end of their life right now due to illness.. and certain people won't talk to them because of their anger/disagreement toward someone that they are family members with and for the sake of staying loyal to another person. So, they are missing out on this persons last days. How incredibly SAD!


C'mon PEOPLE... are you reading this!? LIFE IS SHORT...We aren't guaranteed tomorrow. So get over yourself, be kind, forgive, & LOVE ONE ANOTHER.


& love doesn't mean you have to be best friends with everyone.....and hang out (remember boundaries are good;) .....but it looks like this:


Love is patient and kind;

love does not envy or boast;

it is not arrogant or rude.

It does not insist on its own way;

it is not irritable or resentful;

it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.

Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.


1 Corinthians 13:4-7



Could you honestly Imagine if we all lived like that?! and I'll be the first to admit I'm sometimes not always the most loving. I mean, have any of you seen me in the mornings? those are rough for me & I should be better...but I'm trying (and I give you permission to call me out if you ever see otherwise:) and one of my prayers is that people will recognize me as someone who LOVES well.


thats all I got for you.


Maybe I'll blog again in 3 months. Just kidding. I promise to be better at this whole blog thing.


:)